Or, join me in banging my head against the wall (cosmic ones work, too; we don't discriminate) at Matt Fraction's latest piece of...well, I'm above insulting the good name of literature.
Honestly, I have no idea what happened between Utopia #1 and this mess. Yes, the previous issues were slow, but slow didn't mean horrible. Veering on mediocre, okay, but they weren't bad. Or, at least, not this bad.
First off, I'm skipping over what happened in the previews. It's some pretty boring stuff nothing particularly worth mentioning.
A little after that, though, we've got this scene of Weapon Omega (obviously Captain Underpants was handing out codenames that day)
absorbing some sort of energy from Dark Beast torturing Hank-Beast.
Usually, I wouldn't have a problem with such a scene. It's necessary for the story. Read and move on. But....
What is this, Sebastian Shaw's college sex tape? Fraction has a chance to do something cute or funny with the dialogue here, something to show just how off the deep end DB and Omega are, but he passes up the chance for a bunch of hisses and passes that sound like they belong in a bad fanfiction. Ugh.
If you've been following along with Utopia (or at least this blog's reviews)
Then you probably remember Perv! Scott's plan to get Mindee/Irma/Cuckoo #3 (now I sound like a bad fanfiction) arrested. Why? More appropriately, Why Else?
I'm somewhat proud of what's-her-name here. Before we proceed with the review, let's just say those are the most original lines of the issue.
Okay, um, where are we....ah, here. The grand conclusion of Emma Frost's job as a playground supervisor.
The lesson? Corporal Punishment always wins. Especially if you're coffee deprived and weigh over four hundred pounds in diamond.
Of Course she did, you friggin' rip-off. Emma was actually very true to character there. Shame the only times that happens involve four words and a grunt-y thing.
Um, actually, she's kind of okay on the next page. There's even a tiny reference to "Runaways" for Cloak and Dagger, who have been the most vocal members of the team.
Wanna know a secret about Emma? She's not evil. Never was. I hate having my intelligence insulted like this.
So she was working on the inside? Yup, congrats on learning how to read.
What I don't understand is why. There really wasn't a reason to have her there. Considering what Scott ended up doing, it wasn't necessary to have public approval of anybody at all. Speaking of which, Scott Summers sure isn't getting my valuable mutant vote.
Scott, you're the lamest leader ever. You don't just throw in the towel like that. You stand and deliver. You earn our trust and approval. You show mutants all over the world there is a chance, there is some hope. Of course, you've failed at all of the above, so, uh...where'd you guys move again? I'm thinking I'll send a card or...a pie, something.
Ah, yes, another giant island separatist nation. I'm just gonna say one thing, Scotty. Genosha. It worked so well, I guess you should've cashed in on your own giant island earlier. Before the nukes, I mean.
But hey, the death toll can only go up to about 200, right? Safer than Mexico. Plus, I'm sure that the producers of Wolverine and the X-Men love the free ad for animated Genosha (Greg Land is not a ROLE MODEL you mutie freak).
THIS IS SO BAD
Ahem, okay. So after that raining storm of predictability, well, the issue is over. We finish with a little half page where Iron Patriot asks Daken and Hawkeye (Bullseye?)do do something very important...
Yes, he's sending two psychopaths to go grab him a can of tuna and a wedding ring. Scratch what I said about fraction passing up a chance for some nice dialogue. It's quite an improvement when people keep their mouths shut.
Art-wise, the book is solid. The art's not bad, but it's not good, either. There's little inconsistencies and small parts that just look wrong, but I can live with that. It isn't Land. My eyes aren't bleeding, so it's okay.
Overall, the issue made me feel like I was reading a Fairy Tale by a below-average middle schooler. Nothing happened that you couldn't see coming from a mile away. The dialogue is...***facepalms*** and the important parts of the plot Fraction set up in Utopia #1 are completely abandoned. The folder, Mystique, Scott vs. Emma...on their way to the Marvel Universe "Plot Devices for 2014" bin.
Bottom line, it was horrible. Not worth $3.99, not even worth the 50 cents of the old days. Bad Bad Bad. Get Fraction off this book now, and put him back on the indie circuit, where his stuff was good and he didn't look so stupid.
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